Lesson for this month: The Importance Of Vulnerability. Yes, I know with being vulnerable there is a great risk. You risk people taking those moments and using them against you, telling other people, not genuinely care, or even hate listen (People who only listen to your problems because they revel in the fact that you are doing bad. Watch out for them. They are a true wolf in sheep's clothing.). Society teaches us not to show our vulnerability. They teach us that anybody who isn't you is the opposition and you don't want the opposition to have something to hang over your head or throw in your face. We walk the earth every day craving things that require us being exposed to receive. We lie to ourselves and say we don't need the very things which innately, makes our lives better.
For me, not being vulnerable has caused me to to harbor deep rooted issues. I've suppressed some emotions that resurfaced at the most inopportune times. I was at my kickboxing class doing combinations on the punching bag. Next thing I know I'm wailing on that bag on the brink of tears. I took a breath looked around like, WTF, hoping no one saw my almost psychotic break. It was at that moment that I realized that I needed a release. First, I tried to make myself cry but in the same breath I would stop myself. I would pray to God but I was very limited in how exposed I was, even to Him. (Which is absurd because The Creator knows how you feel before you even utter a word) I practiced putting up a wall for so long, it became a part of how I interacted with the world daily.
Hiding my vulnerabilities had ramifications that far exceeded what even I could see. It was affecting my friendships, sleep, work, mothering, everything. It was so bad I became suspicious of the individuals that authentically cared. I suspected that they were constantly lying to me about how much they cared or loved me. To me, they all were secretly happy to see me doing bad and they were judging me. I never believed that anyone who hurt me was truly apologetic. I felt shackled to my suspensions and it caused me to withdraw from everyone, which made me feel alone. That lonely feeling started to turn itself into depression. I knew what I had to do but was to afraid of what would happen if I allowed myself to just feel. I didn't want to feel the weight of all the suppressed emotions but at the same time I could no longer carry them either. I turned off my television, pulled out my journal, and started my letter to God. I figured if I could find the words for every emotion, it would expose it and make it come out. And that's what I did. I wrote about the anger I carted for years. I wrote about how sad I was about where I was in my life. I was honest about the regret I carried regarding my decisions and all the things I loathed about myself. Every word written was candid, every stroke of my pen expressed the emotion I felt in the moment. My paper was damp and the words, ink smeared from the tears that slid down my face.
I was full of emotions and frustrations but the more I wrote my letter to God, more the honest I was with Him. The more honest I was with God, the more honest I was with myself. The more honest I was, the more the tears flowed. The more the tears flowed the more the pressure started to release. The more the pressure released, the less overwhelmed I began to feel. Then, I started to feel the good stuff; relief, love (from God), and strength.
After a few days of feeling relieved, I was now ready to share my experience with someone else. I have less than a handful of persons that allow me to be exposed without feeling judged. But these people who have allowed me to unload on them and they have been an intricate part of my healing which is a huge part of my life right now. I want to make clear that the majority of my issues I worked out with my Creator first. He had to make me feel safe first. Knowing I was safe with God, encourage me to reach out to an actual human. Honestly if there is any one bit of advise I could give, when picking your "person" use discernment. Your "person" may not always be who you think it should be. The last thing you need while being in a vulnerable state is having the wrong person hearing you and not being careful with you.
I have not been the same person for sometime now and I'm loving the new found freedom in my emotions that wasn't there before. It's okay to feel, that's what makes us human. The same level of vulnerability that was essential to get the things I yearned for, love, relationship, understanding, is the the same level of vulnerability that society preaches against. Especially in relationships. Don't be the first to say I love you, don't let them see you care too much, its all a game. If we continue to live by those standards how can we say we are one hundred percent available to a person if we are always trying to prove who needs who more. That goes for all forms of relationships. True growth comes when we are honest and vulnerable. The two go hand in hand. True freedom is being able to weave both into your life's journey.
I leave you with this quote: Vulnerability is not about fear and grief and disappointment. It is the birthplace of everything we're hungry for. - Brene Brown.