Is This External Peace?
For the last six years, I've had to deal with quite a bit of drama in my life. I was dealing with an unscheduled pregnancy, one of the worse falling outs ever with my mom, a sick child, displacement, lack of money, and a father to my son that I was less than a fan of, and top it all off some one stole my Mac computer and then turned around and stole my Ipad. (Side note, this is very High level, but gruesome details to come in the future) It was one of the worst block of times I've ever had deal with yet in my adult life. For six years I had deal with all of this on a daily basis. and if one thing got a little better everything else became exponentially worse. The days that I cried were many, the pain that I felt was debilitating, and the amount of pressure I was under to survive, on some days felt like it would crush me.
Through it all I prayed, and I drank, and smoked, and find any other coping mechanism to deal with what seemed to be the never ending hell. I couldn't change everything that was around me so I had to change my mind. And on many days I did find comfort in internal peace. However, on the really bad days, I felt like death was a much less punishment, (Thank God, He felt I worth more, and He put more in me. )
Recently, only a couple of days ago I realized, that for the first time in a long time, There was no real external drama happening in my life. Financially, I'm not satisfied but I'm stable. My son's health is just proven act of God. I'm in my own place and finally starting to build, My family and I have found our way back to love. Sadly, I felt like I didn't know how operate in this lull of peace. I was so used to fighting, and have to always overcome battles that when faced with external peace, I didn't know how to operate in it. This was a blessing, and it's not often that many things that are happening in your life are for the most part quiet. As soon as I captured the revelation, I immediately started taking advantage and seeing all the possibility this peace had to offer. First, I had to not be afraid. I"m so used to bad stuff happening that I was just waiting for something to usher in the calamity I'm sure wants to penetrate my peace bubble. I quickly realized it was a waste of my peace's time worrying about what was not happening. Second, because my mind wasn't so consumed with so many external factors, and internal anguish, there was more space for creativity. (books coming soon guys.) Third, I have much more patience with my son because i'm not constantly stressed. Lastly, I feel like I get actual rest. Because I'm not so tired from all the constant battles,for the first time in a long time, I feel like I have the power to make my day what ever I want it to be. This is a gift. I'm not going to dwell on my past. I'm not even going to questions when the lull of external peace is over. I'm Just going to praise God for the time and take advantage of every moment. I can truly say that, there is only greatness from here.
I leave you with this quote: Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. I do not give to you as the world gives to you. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. - John 14:27
Beautifully and Naturally yours,